Woeful Wednesday

“That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” ~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Wouldn't you know it, the day after I face my truths is the day the pain is excruciating. A take-my-breath-away kind of pain. Is it from thinking about (and writing about) things yesterday, facing who I really am and what I believe about myself? Is it from my late-night grocery shopping trip? Is it my body's way of telling me to knock it off when I have thoughts of maybe going to work?

I have no flipping idea. I just know that my day is spent in the recliner with the heating pad on my back. Headphones on while hubby watches TV. Maybe some pain meds thrown in.

Woe is me. Today only, I hope.

The Friday Fives

I thought I was going to be able to report on five things that I did today having to do with the number five. Didn't happen.

1. It was 50 degrees today! It felt downright warm in the sun.
2. Thanks to a coupon hubby and I had a $5 lunch today.

3. I thought I was going to be able to report I revised five chapters in the Cruising with Confidence book. Nope, but after a full week I've finished revising the 12th chapter today. Woo hoo! I have a few more edits and one more chapter to write and maybe, just maybe, the new edition to be ready before the end of the month. Again, woo hoo!

I'm Tired of Being a Cheerleader

I told hubby today I'm tired of being a cheerleader for everyone else. After another sleepless night, icky rheumatoid arthritis medications, frustrations at a medical-related delay, a separate and non-related rude lady concerning a different medical-related issue, a car that needed several visits and more than a couple weeks and several hundred dollars to fix, and then a busy couple days trying to be the cheerleader for others, I'm done.

But I didn't get to be done yet. Because then there came another phone call requiring me to get out of my pajamas and make a drive to take someone else somewhere else. And now I'm past done. Then add in me sitting in this waiting room and having to overhear a loud conversation about all the political crap I've been trying to hard to avoid?

I AM DONE!

I long for rainy days.  On a cruise ship.  In one of the bars. As we pull out of a Bahamas port stop. I wanna be there. NOW.

The Other One

Who or what is the other one? It's the other blog.

Last year when I finally published my book on cruising, I gave the whole social media presence a go. A halfhearted go, actually. Twitter, Instagram, and a blog dedicated to cruising. But it didn't last long. I was forcing myself to have this Internet thing going on. Except it wasn't me. I was trying to intertwine travel and cruising and gratitude. And I gave up on it.

So back to one blog. I'll gradually start moving things from the other one to this one. (But who knows? Maybe I'll change my mind again and go back to two. Why am I so indecisive???)

The first move-over is a post I wrote about gratitude from last year. Looking back it was more about money than gratitude:

Whenever I talk to people about cruising, I talk about the value. Compared to a night in a hotel, cruising can be downright cheap. A year ago we paid a total of $549 (not per person) for seven nights on a cruise ship. That ship took us to Belize, Cozumel, Mexico and Costa Maya, Mexico. With that price we received lodging, meals and snacks, entertainment, beautiful scenery, and transportation to three different ports. We also received $250 in credit to use on board. For one full week.

I'm wishing we were on a cruise right now. Because today I walked out of a hotel we just spent the last six nights in. In the city we live in. In a room with a king bed and a very limited breakfast. For a price of $1027.31.

Why in the heck would someone as smart as me pay such an outlandish rate at a hotel? And not even in a fun, new destination? We're just a few miles away from our own home. And we're doing it again, in a different hotel, in our same city. But this one is (thankfully) being paid by our insurance company. In fact, they will be paying for us to stay here for at least a couple more weeks. (They reimbursed us this afternoon for that $1027.31 bill. Whew.)

Let's get to the bottom of this with some more questions.

Ever heard of the word mitigation? According to FEMA, mitigation is the effort to reduce loss of life and property by lessening the impact of disasters. I hadn't heard the word until last week.

Did you know the bottom of a hot water heater can leak? Did you know it can flood the area around it? (In our case that area included the closet, the bedroom, and the bathroom.)

Did you know that manufactured home floors are made of pressed board? That if those pressed boards get really wet they don't dry well? In fact, in some cases they need to be pulled up?

Um, yeah.

Hello, bedroom floor.

Hello, living room/dining room/kitchen.

Hello, mitigation.

Wonder if I could convince the insurance company to send us on a cruise instead of paying for an overpriced hotel. I'm sure I could find us a voyage that will be cheaper than the payment they will be making to the hotel.

Yeah, probably not. Grateful for insurance anyway!

Rusty

I'm rusty. Not just my joints, but my writing. It has been a long, long time (a year maybe) since I've written anything or even spoken more than a few sentences to anyone. So apologies ahead of time if this blog and the writing you've been reading seems choppy.

It's a practice thing. I promise to practice. Daily. Please be patient, I (think) I'll get back to writing clear, coherent, grown up sentences.

Today might not be the day.

Today might be the day I remember the old days when I published two books with Amazon. Oh, those were the days. Hopefully again...someday...

Commitment to Self

Two days.

Two straight days of my self-imposed two hour long workout. But that was easy. It was the weekend and I could sleep in and take my time getting to the Y. 

The hard part starts tomorrow on the first day back to work. A full work day, an 80 mile round trip commute, and a two hour workout. I've got it planned out. 

A commitment to myself. 

1 + 1 = Nap

Long before the rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed, long before the dozen or so screws were used to put my shoulders back together, long before my right lung became non-functioning, long before my two titanium knees were implanted, long before I became mobility-scooter bound, and long before I weighed 400 pounds, I used to belong to a health club.

I had a set after school routine. Drive the 20 miles to the gym. Bike for less than 15 minutes, treadmill for about 5 minutes, lift a few weights, and then get myself into the pool. It wasn't a very challenging workout but one just long enough to make me feel like I was trying to be healthy. In hindsight it probably was a big waste of gas and time, driving that far for so little. But at least it was something.

Fast forward to today.

I now live less than five miles from the YMCA. No longer 400 pounds, no longer mobility-scooter bound, no longer expecting to do a minimum amount of work at a gym, I made my way to my first session this morning. Knowing I haven't done much but ride my bike this summer I anticipated a bit of a rough start.

One hour on the treadmill and bike and one hour in the pool. Seemed like a great plan, a great way to get me to focus on me, to get a jumpstart on an exercise program. And it was a great plan. Up until the time I got home. That warm water pool I spent my time swimming laps in and doing exercises in and walking in turned out to be quite kind to my achy joints. I felt warm and comfortable and relaxed and...tired.

While one plus one usually equals two, in my case today it became one hour plus one hour equaled a good long nap.

And almost five miles on the bike. While I didn't push myself too hard on day one, it was a place to start. I think I'll stick with my plan.

In the middle of the night

My nights of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep continue.

Joint pains from rheumatoid arthritis flare up, finances, knowing I need to keep sucking-the-marrow but having a body that doesn't appreciate it, pain medicine side effects, hubby snoring, forgetfulness at work I'm trying to make up for, mess of still trying to get moved in, maintenance light on in car, right front passenger window not rolling up, weeds popping up, documents to be shredded piling up, debit card declined - a fraud alert was put on it because I was using it around Mexico, trying to keep hubby upbeat and busy, living on Greek yogurt and apples and peanut butter because I don't feel like eating anything else, losing two phone charges.

Why is it I stress about these things whether I am at home or on vacation? At least on vacation I got to sit in the "Piazza" and think. But vacation is over.

And I have one more worry... I. Must. Keep. Myself. Together.

Up to 50+

As I reread yesterday's middle of the night blog post listing things I want to experience before I turn 50 I realized it might appear quite unrealistic and unattainable.

That's fair. 

I'm very aware that some of those things - like seeing penguins in their natural habitat - may not happen (or at least may be extremely difficult to pull off). But I'm completely confident that others - like dog sledding or swimming with the dolphins - will absolutely occur. 

As I read the list I also thought about more experiences I'd like to have. I'm now to over 50 on the list but I figure that will give me some wiggle room in case some can't be arranged. My new additions: 

46. Ride a bike

47. Hike Diamond Head

48. Watch a bear catch a salmon 

49. See the Grand Canyon

50. Go to the ballet

51. Learn karate

52. Ride in a pedicab

53. Jump on a trampoline 

Even started looking at bikes, just in case. Isn't she pretty? If I ever own a bike  I want it to look like this. 

Chicago

In my home I have a map. A huge wall map covered with stickers, with each sticker representing a spot I've visited. For a location to earn a spot on the map I need to have either eaten, slept, or gone to the restroom there. I have long stopped counting how many places are marked. 

Chicago is one place that is marked. Ate there? Yes. Slept there? No. Gone to the restroom there? Yes. All in the Chicago airport. It has always been a stop over on the way to someplace else. My husband has been there for business and enjoyed it but Chicago hasn't ever really been a destination location for me. 

But lately I have been wondering if it is a place I am meant to go. Someone at work had mentioned how much they would love to go to Chicago. And since that day the number of Chicago references I have noticed has been astounding.

On that very first day after hearing that person's enthusiasm about Chicago -on my way home, stuck in traffic - I heard on the radio that Oprah was closing down her studio in Chicago.

That same night on my Yahoo page there was reference again to Oprah.

Then when I went to book an Amtrak trip what would appear on the booking page but an advertisement for lowered fares to Chicago?

Another day in an email Chicago pops up again. 

One of the people I follow on Twitter has something going on in Chicago. 

Another day, another person from Twitter that I follow, another Chicago. 

Out to eat at the Village in Meridian and what appears?

Sitting down to watch a couple minutes of TV with hubby. Chicago on the movie. Then the nightly news talking about Chicago dying the river green for St. Patrick's Day. And a man in a Chicago Cubs tshirt in the Mexican restaurant. 

Then we get on this Amtrak train from Seattle to LA. The faucet manufacturer in the restroom? Yep. 

With all this Chicago in just the last couple weeks I'm guessing this means at some point I will be going to Chicago. Too many coincidences for me not to. 

But why? Only the Universe knows. 

Hunkering Down

As I continue with my chemotherapy medication that makes me sick, as I wait for approval for the new, aggressive rheumatoid arthritis medication. As hubby waits to see if he will have any income this month. As we wait for new carpet to arrive and Internet and phone to be installed in our Boise home. As we wait for our Marsing home to sell. As we work through the emotional and physical toll these last few months have taken on us.

As we wait we have decided to hunker down. Keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves, no talking and no visiting and seeing no one. Just the two of us taking a break from the world for a little while. 

We'll be back in society and back to responsibilities and obligations when the time is right. But that time is not now.  Midlife crisis? Physical breakdown? Mental breakdown? 

Maybe a combination of all. Time to take advantage of this sign:

Emotions

The emotions that have accompanied the life changes we've been experiencing have been stronger than expected.

Husband sitting home all day, every day, with nothing to do but watch TV. His identity - high school teacher - has been lost. 28 years spent in the same school district, in the same building, teaching the same subject. How could it not be an emotional draining situation for him?

Losing kitty, my companion. Having to put her to sleep was difficult. 14 years of knowing when I wasn't feeling well, climbing onto my lap to keep me company. Sitting in the window as I sat sewing at the machine. Still feels like a part of me is missing.

Then teary eyes in kiddo's room when I was cleaning out and boxing things up to make room for the painter. From elementary school to middle school to high school to college to married life, her knick knacks and clothes and medals and posters that had been collected had remained.

The house is now empty. Painting is finished. Doing a walkthrough last night brought more tears to the eyes. And while it won't officially go onto the market until Wednesday, we now have a sign in the yard. Anyone looking for a four bedroom three bath house with a river view in Marsing, Idaho? I know someone selling one.

An emotional time.

Day 1000

The Universe sure has a way of making things happen as they should.

When I woke up this morning the first thing I did was look out the bedroom window. It only seems right that the rose garden died off this morning. Not even one little bit of color. No more rose pictures for the year.

I packed up the quilts for Alaska and took them to the post office today. No more charity pictures for the year.

We went to Alejandra's for dinner tonight. Only a couple items left and we're done with eating through the menu. No more food pictures.

All on Day 1000.

Then the phone call I was expecting arrived. If you know me, you know I've struggled with weight my whole life so a serious decision has been made. A change is scheduled to happen December 18.

Then as I was cleaning up the sewing room, I came across a notebook I had in the bottom of a basket. It had inspirational quotes I had written down, cut from calendars, and printed from the Internet. Just look at the one I had printed from 13 years ago.

The perfect way to end my 1000 days. And the perfect way to begin the next chapter in my life. While there won't be a Day 1001, I'll be back. Maybe next week. Hope to see you then as I work through my next new adventure. Until then...

Day 984

On Day 939 I posed this fill-in-the-blank question:

When my daughter and I walked out of the ______ ______ she said, "A mom should never have more ______ than her 25 year old daughter."

The answer was :
When my daughter and I walked out of the tattoo parlor she said, "A mom should never have more tattoos than her 25 year old daughter."

I held off on the picture because I was waiting for the bruising to go away. I got the tattoo just a few days after infusion and my body's defenses were down.

But it still hasn't gone away. I've found out it's not bruising, it's from ink leaking into a layer of my skin. Now it's time to cover up the "bruises". At a different tattoo parlor.

I'm not exactly someone who knows where to look when it comes to a tattoo place. But the gal who draws my blood every time I go to the rheumatologist's office does. Go figure.

It was a good recommendation. Just look at the before and after. Amazing what color can do. And it looks so much more joyful!

Day 982

I do it at home, but not at work.
I do it in my recliner, but not in my sewing room.
I do it in the doctor's office, but not the waiting room.
I do it when the car is being serviced, but not when I drive.
I do it in the bedroom, but not the bathroom.
I do it in a hotel room, but not a cruise line cabin.

I play Words with Friends. And occasionally, ever so often, I get a score I can be proud of. 111 this time.

Day 972

Why would anyone have three shots in their knee joint before heading to work? (It originally started like this, but then the doctor also brought in an even bigger shot to add to the bunch.)

Just look at the length of those needles. And guess what? I have to go back next week and the week after to have the same thing.

So again, the question...why would anyone go through that? The story is in the pictures.

What you are looking at is an X-ray underneath a knee cap. See the large, even, curved spacing under the kneecap?

And take a look at mine. Notice anything missing? So until I can have a knee replacement we're adding synthetic synovial fluid, cortisone, and another drug in the mix to try and provide some lubrication/ relief. So fun.

Day 968

The best reason for sitting through a day-long meeting in Boise? I get to see kiddo. And her kitty.

And the pumpkins kiddo and fiancé carved.

Day 965

These days sure are becoming take-the-good-with-the-bad kinds of days.

Bad: According to blood work, my liver function. Big time. No wonder I'm always so very tired.

Good: Arrival of the 50% off items I ordered online from Joann's.

Bad: Being so exhausted after work I headed right to my chair when I walked in the door. Dinner in my chair. Pain medicine in my chair. Opened Joann's box in my chair. Took picture from my chair, wrote blog from my chair. Still dressed for school. No stocking sewing tonight.

Really good: A little basket that was ordered from Joann's. Looks perfect for the front of my scooter. Now maybe I can finally do a little shopping all by myself without having to depend on hubby to push a cart. Ok, not really good. More like great.

Day 960

I was having a Sesame Street moment at the doctor's office today.

My knee has been continuing to worse over the last few months and I knew something had to be wrong. When I saw the x-ray of my knee cap, I thought about this song.

What would make me have that certain tune in my head?
A normal knee: See how rounded everything is and how the kneecap just seems to float above the knee?

And then check out my kneecap. Or what appears to be a kneecap. Certainly not floating, and certainly everything else in that joint isn't rounded. Anything that doesn't look like the normal knee -all those misshapen surfaces and growths in the joint - aren't supposed to be there. And by the way, did you notice that big piece of they-don't-know-what but probably bone or calcification sitting up above my knee?

So did you figure out the answer before the end of the song?

Day 949

Hubby knows I'm a big believer when it comes to the power of the universe. Things always turn out the way they are supposed to. If you are generous and kind, good things will come your way. But sometimes hubby uses the universe thing to get his way.

"The universe wants you to go to the casino" says hubby. (Yeah, right.) I was worn out from my high altitude excursion and even though we had a free room and dinner and show I just as soon go home. But that couldn't happen because hubby had a voucher from a slot machine that would expire if not turned in. (I wasn't all too pleased that he hadn't taken care of it before.) I'm not one to give up a hundred bucks so I had to relent and make a detour to the casino. 

I wound up having to agree with him on the universe leading me to the casino. Because just a couple minutes after sitting down at a penny machine I hit the bonus. 9 diamond symbols during a ultra spin bonus round let me to hit this jackpot of pennies.

That $4,438.37. Thank you universe.