I had a really rough night last night. The pain was more than I've felt in quite some time. The joints, the muscles, the overall achy everything. Almost brought me to tears. I went to bed earlier hoping it would help. But like most nights I tossed and turned (and maybe even whimpered some).
I know why I hurt so much. I'm trying to live a normal life. I'm working full time now for the first time since before I started this blog. Five full days working like a normal person, a Saturday spent working in the garden like a normal person, a Sunday spent at the grocery store like a normal person. Walking around the block like a normal person. (Can you tell the GPS is still off?)
But I'm not a normal person. Or so the rheumatologist reminded me today.
That was at about the same time he threatened me with a wheelchair.
I've been resisting going back to the infusions for going on several months. The doctor made a pretty darn good case about why ignoring treatment is a bad idea. He is absolutely confident that I will be in a wheelchair and on disability within five years. And between now and those five years? The pain, stiffness, fatigue, and joint damage will get worse. I will never get better, never live a normal life. But with infusions, I could possibly have two good months out of every three.
I might just take those two months. Better than what happened last night. I can't hide that kind of misery.